


nothing can fill this empty heart (that's why i keep writing)

by wonhoon



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Character Death, letter!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 20:53:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6922957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonhoon/pseuds/wonhoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"i will tell you everything that's in my heart."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. all day, i endlessly dwell on the same thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> title, summary, individual chapter titles are all from jessica's dear diary
> 
> unbeta'd, as usual.

_dear wonwoo_

_do you remember the day we first met?_

_you might not, but that image will forever be etched in my mind, that piece of memory will always play in my head repeatedly like a broken record._

_that day was a sunny day, i was playing by my own in the sandbox at the playground in our neighbourhood. it was relatively empty, before a group of kids that i do not recognise marched up to me, asking if i’ve got any company. being the innocent child i was at that time, i nodded yes and squeaked out a timid “why?” with my all-sparkly and curious eyes._

_i didn’t expect them to break out into uncontrollable laughter and said mean things like how i probably didn’t have any friends at all, and that was all because i was ‘black’ and ‘fat’._

_however, what i totally did not see coming was you, expression firm and dark orbs lit with flames of fury, striding up to where i was sitting helplessly on the ground with unshed tears burning my eyes._

_i will never forget how you shield my weak figure with your stronger built one away from the sight of those mean kids at that time, asking them to fuck off in the calmest tone you could muster._

_i will never forget how you continued to glare at the bullies’ retreating shadows until they were completely out of sight, before you bent down to my level to ask me if I’m alright._

_i will never forget that kind and warm expression you gave me, you were like a ray of sunshine after a storm._

_at that moment, i swore to myself mentally that i have to keep you around in my life no matter what it takes, because if you are the sun in my eyes, then how could I live without you?_

 

_when i finally realised how much i wanted to be your ray of sunshine too, it was too late._


	2. for some reason, today feels even more empty

_dear wonwoo_

_it’ve been exactly 6 months since you left me_

_my heart is still beating, but why is it that i can barely breathe?_

_i went for a walk earlier after the incessant naggings of my mother, but i reckon it would do me good if i could have some fresh air anyway._

_habitually, i glanced up at the house across the street expectantly after shutting my front door behind me. until i remembered, that there will be no one leaning across his study table from the loud slam of the door, no one staring at me out of the familiar white window frames, no one with steel-framed glasses and large inquisitive eyes following my every movement until i turned at the corner of the street, no one who would look at me the same way you do anymore._

_i shrugged all of that off with a shake of my head, reminding myself that it is about time i let go._

_but why is it that even on a damned walk, every nook and cranny of my mind is completely filled with you?_

_unconsciously, my feet took me to all the places that we’ve been together in our neighbourhood. that fateful playground where we first met, the bubble tea shop we spent all of our unbearably hot afternoons in, the pet shop where we did our first ever volunteer work, the lakeside that we declared as our secret hideout, a special place that only belong to us, that only both of us know._

_stopping by the now abandoned lake, i realised i can’t take this anymore, hyung._

_i miss you so much, will you please come back? i will do anything to be able to pull you into my arms, feel your radiating warmth against my chest, hear your deep rumbling of a laughter reverberating around the little bubble of ours_ — _impregnable and invincible._

 

_it used to be us against the world, how could you leave me alone now?_


	3. the feelings that are difficult for me to say, i will preciously remember and keep them safe here

_dear wonwoo_

_it’ve been a year since i lost you._

_it’s also a year since i lost my heart, my soul, my spirit._

_i tried so hard to forget about you, i really did. but each time i try to do something new, i can’t help but to wonder how great would it be if only you were here with me._

_it was so unfair, hyung. you are being so unfair. so unfair that i just want to cry and yell and sob and curse at you for being so heartless._

_you were gone in just a flash, it was so quick, i lost you so fast. one moment we were still on the phone, chatting animatedly about the movie you bought from the new CD shop that we were going to watch for our movie night, and in a split second i’m hearing an unmistakable loud screeching of car tyres skidding across the road, the echoes of shrill screaming from passer-by’s that follows after are still fresh in my head to this day._

_you didn’t even wait for me, hyung. why can’t you at least wait for me to get to you, to see you for the last time?_

_i still have so much that i want to say you, so much things that i want to share with you._

_i’ve yet to tell you how much i’ve been eating these days, how much milk i’ve been binging on for the past 10 years, just so that i could grow big and tall enough to be able to watch over you at last, just like how you’ve watched over me for nearly all 17 years of your life._

_i’ve yet to tell you how much you’ve been lurking around my mind, how much you’ve invaded my heart._

_you decided to leave me when i finally figured out my feelings for you through this thick skull of mine, hyung._

_your intoxicating scent, your pure heart, your kind soul, your attractive voice, your captivating eyes, you._

_i’m so in love with you._

_i love you so much, so much that just the thought of you not here by my side anymore is becoming more and more unbearable. hence, i hope you will understand this decision of mine._

_i hope you can forgive me for not being able to protect you from harm like i promised i would._

_i hope you know how sorry i am that i can’t save you from death’s awaiting hands, how sorry i am that i can’t lead a fulfilling life like i said i would in front of your coffin, how terribly sorry i am to say that i’m gradually losing my will to live, because a life without you, hyung, is a lost purpose._

_i am so lost without you._

_so i’m coming for you again. this time, please wait for me until i get there._

_let us meet in a place where i will never lose you the same way again._

_lots of love,_

_kim mingyu_


End file.
